5 Dos and Dont's - EPL Weekend 13

Do...

1. Misspell names on one of your player's shirts. It'll do wonders for the success of your career as a kit man.

2. Stick Agbonlahor on the post. He proved on Sunday that he had the reactions of a cat, Superman and Peter Schmeichel all in one to divert a potential match-winning goal from Birmingham.

3. Use every part of your foot, but the front. If you're Dimitar Berbatov that is. The Bulgarian seemed to be incapable of doing anything but flick-ons, back-heels, and passes with the outside of his boot.

4. Play Glen Johnson at right-back for England. The Portsmouth full-back showed great promise outshone his Man City counterpart Micah Richards on Sunday.

5. Go see a football match. This is aimed at Bolton fans who managed a paltry 16,724 attendance against Middlesbrough, 58% of their stadium capacity.


Don't...

1. Duck when Ronaldo leaps in the box. You will be punished.

2. Introduce your pundits in anyway that could be construed as sexual. This is aimed at Adrian Chiles, who opened MOTD2 with "Tonight, we have Alan Shearer with, behind him in the hole, Gavin Peacock."

3. Sack Chris Hutchings. Especially when you have no feasible replacements and, without him, your squad performs with the style and grace of Bambi on ice.

4. Get carried away with Spurs' romp. The last time they beat a team 4-0, Tottenham failed to win their next 9 Premier League matches.

5. Challenge Joey Barton. If you wish to reproduce that is.

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The 5 Dos and Don'ts of Premier League Weekend 11

Do...

1. Let Sulley Muntari take a penalty. Chances are though you'll have greedy Benjani ranting in your face and snatching the ball off you before you get the opportunity.

2. Give Robert Green the England No.1 jersey. The man was outstanding for West Ham again, which is more than can be said for the man who almost single-handedly lost Martin Jol his job.

3. Laugh at Craig Bellamy. Was I the only one who thought it hilarious as the whinging Welshman went red in the face after failing to win a free-kick?

4. Shoot straight at Stephen Bywater. He's more than likely to just jump straight over the ball:



5. Keep the wall together when Stevie G is taking a free-kick. Then again, if Fabregas and Flamini had, their ability to have children may have been severly compromised.

Don'ts:

1. Cross to Nobby Solano. He will miss, even if it's an open goal. Twice.

2. Have a Manchester City defender in your fantasy football team. It was most naive of me to think that Chelsea couldn't attack for toffee and City were strong at the back. I'm bottom of my league now thanks to certain Mr. Corluka.

3. Write Chelsea or Lampard off. Just as the media and fans were starting to get on the Blues' back, they smash Man City 6-0 while Frank Lampard sticks in one of his best ever performances. They could still win the league, y'know.

4. Say that Rooney and Tevez can't play together. Need any more proof?:



5. Pass to Rooney. That is, if you're on the opposing team and you're on the edge of your own box. Pay attention Stewart Downing.

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